Blood Bowl the video game is based on the popular spin off of the board game Warhammer. The game follows it’s tabletop predecessor in being focused on a brutal, fictional version of American football. The players of which consist of Elves, Zombies, Norsemen and Hobbits amongst other colourful races.
We jumped into the tutorial (as neither of us are familiar with the board game) with high hopes and visions of the brutal bloodsport providing more than afternoons allowance of guilty pleasure. But as the aggravating in-game commentators let slip their opening lines, we died inside. The fictional commentary team was usual in adequately explaining any of the rules whatsoever. Any rules we did manage to pick up were the result of guesswork by both of us. The developers clearly spent far too much time on trying to make the commentators “funny” rather than explaining the rules of the game to players! This wouldn’t be an issue if the commentators were arsing funny! But you will get more laughs from dangling your bollocks in gravy and running through a scrap yard filled with hungry rottweilers than listening to the groan inducing jokes brought in by this game!
Unfortunately being the brave and intrepid explorers we are, we decided to attempt to play an exhibition match, just to see if we could get anywhere without the useless tutorial. We could not. The game is far too based around dice rolls, I don’t mind the use of dice rolls in games, if used correctly. I know what you are thinking “Ok cool so like a dice roll to catch the ball? A dice roll to dodge a tackle etc” NO! That’s far too liberal! You need a dice roll to pick the ball up off the ground, a dice roll to catch the ball, a dice roll to move past an opponent, a dice roll to tackle an opponent, a dice roll to fucking move! You can’t move in this game without falling over if the dice roll is not on your side! You need a damn dice roll to fumble the ball for god sake! The odds really are not in your favour either. We played this match on the easiest difficulty! Our team consisted of zombie lords and were called THE CHAMPIONS OF FUCKING DEATH and we got destroyed by a team of hobbits called the pink panthers! The over reliance on dice and the element of chance makes difficulty settings completely redundant in this travesty of a game! Please don’t get me wrong we did give this game a chance! We kept trying to find positives with it, but every time our guys got the ball they took one step and fell over! That is how obscene the dice roll system in this game is! It is unplayable!
Graphics and animation wise there were no wrongs, everything was smooth and exactly how you would imagine these unearthly creatures to look. Every little detail was spot on and there was lots and lots of blood! With sounds it was not as great, as the commentators would just prattle on and on for no reason. “There were game sounds?” we have no idea, as mentioned the commentators ruin the atmosphere of the savage beasts destroying us. To be frank a recipient of a lobotomy probably would have provided more stimulating dialogue!
Despite our best efforts to enjoy this game we ended up giving up with frustration and disappointment.
Original Authors: RoguishGamer, Joakes